Repairing Rifts: 10 Guidelines for Your Intimate Relationship

Jul 23

INTRODUCTION

Navigating emotional rifts and repairing conflict are critical for transforming challenges into opportunities for deeper intimacy and connection. Intimate relationships, as unions of unique individuals, inevitably encounter periods of discord due to differences in communication style, values, expectations, and personal histories. The key to overcoming these difficulties lies not in the absence of conflict, but in the ability to handle disagreements constructively and with compassion.

In the journey toward greater harmony, it’s essential to recognize common pitfalls in communication and landmines that can make conflict worse. The following 10 guidelines will help in navigating emotional rifts that foster a climate of greater respect and empathy, even amongst the complexities of life together.

KEY TAKEAWAYS

Clarifying what is and is not within your control is critical for how you approach conversations.
Not knowing what you want before starting a conversation will frustrate both of you.
Think about actions for improvement to avoid unfocused and unhelpful complaints.

GETTING STARTED

10 Guidelines for Navigating Emotional Rifts

Strengthening emotional connection in a relationship can seem daunting when there’s been prolonged dissatisfaction. For some people, denying themselves the right to feel better seems the only option in order to cope and focus on what must be done to get by.

You have a right to feel better in your relationship.

The following 10 rules are adapted from the research of Mark Sichel in his book “Healing From Family Rifts” to help improve the quality of emotional connection in your relationship without denying your emotional needs and boundaries.

RULE #1

Assume Responsibility

You have the responsibility to act now and not wait for your partner to change first.

Focus on what’s within your direct control to start improving the relationship, which is only your own actions.

There’s a freedom in no longer waiting to be the type of person you want to be. If for some reason the relationship ultimately doesn’t work out, you’ll at least know that you did everything you could.

This also involves exploring your own responsibilities to yourself within this relationship.

You have responsibilities to:

Figure out your boundaries and bottom lines
Respect the boundaries of others
Manage your feelings appropriately
Accept your partner’s personality traits and identity
Not exert power and control over your partner
Communicate clearly and respectfully
Compromise, but without sacrificing your core values
Ask clearly for what you need
Take ownership of the consequences of your actions
Respect your partner’s right to privacy

RULE #2

Accentuate the Positive

Assumption of Similarity

Psychologist Anatol Rapoport identified in his research what he called the “Assumption of Similarity” as an antidote to increase connection between people in times of conflict.

This means that when you identify a positive quality in yourself, try to see that very quality in your partner. And when you identify a negative quality in your partner, try to see if you may also possess that same quality at times. If we’re actively looking for qualities we share, it minimizes the tendency to view your loved one as an adversary.

5:1 Ratio

The couples researcher, John Gottman, also revealed that avoidant, validating, and volatile relationship styles all have the potential to be stable, happy, and functional if the ratio of positive to negative interactions during conflict is greater than or equal to 5:1 (1993).

It’s harder for positive statements to stick than negative statements, so actively prioritize using language of connectedness with your loved one.

RULE #3

When a Conflict is Minor, Keep it to Yourself

Don’t get pulled into a cycle of negativity by bringing up every little problem.

This can be difficult because the mind tends to fixate on negative emotion in order to identify problems that need solving (Korb, 2015). The urge then is to bring these issues up, although we don’t always do that in an effective manner, especially when trust has been damaged by larger issues.

Take some time to consider whether the present problem needs to be a discussion. This can help to avoid choking a relationship with compounding negativity and hurting your ability to address larger issues together effectively.

RULE #4

Never Tear the Other Person Down

Focus on building your emotional containing boundary if you find yourself using critical language.

This boundary is about reigning you in so that your anger, your control, and your anxiety doesn’t leak out inappropriately onto others and cause further damage to the relationship.

You’ll have to get really centered in the commitment to yourself that ending the negative patterns keeping this relationship stuck is more important than anything else. Any point you have to make, any fight you have to fight, is less important than building the emotional connection back up.

RULE #5

Be Patient When You Communicate

Don’t jump at the first misstep the other person makes.

You’re building new patterns of communicating together, which takes time to unlearn old habits and reinforce new ones.

If the other person acts negatively, know that you have an opportunity to invite them to a new relationship with you – one in which you are patient, willing to explore misunderstandings, and do not bring the same emotional reactivity.

Make repair attempts when you notice personal missteps. Ask to take back a poorly worded statement or to start over. Notice small steps forward and allow yourself to feel good when they occur, no matter how far you might be from your ultimate goal.

RULE #6

Think Action

Ask yourself the following questions:

What do I do that makes my partner more receptive, open, and interested in positively engaging with me?
What do I do that makes me harder to work with and makes the situation worse?

Reflecting on your answers to these will reveal a lot of information about how to continue building emotional connection.

However, what you do to improve your relationship should not be at the expense of your personal needs and boundaries that are listed in Rule 1. You shouldn’t have to bend over backwards just to get what you’re fundamentally owed in your relationship.

Then, actually pay attention to when you do feel more engaged, interested, connected, and supported. This experience may not last indefinitely, so delight in it when it’s present and know how you made it happen.

RULE #7

Don’t Turn a Breach of Trust Into Resentment

If your loved one has broken your trust, the process toward healing means that you need to know that they know the full impact of what they’ve done. This is not to punish them for the transgression, but to give them the opportunity to really see you and make amends.

Mira Kirshenbaum offers this statement for communicating this point in her book, “I Love You, But I Don’t Trust You”:

“Look, I know you feel I’m accusing you and that makes you feel that you need to defend yourself. But it’s not what I’m doing and it’s not what I need from you. I just need you to see me. I just need to be able to talk about the impact of what happened and have you … just know that. I don’t need you to say you’re sorry. I don’t need you to talk about what you meant or didn’t mean to do. I just need you to show me that you understand what this was like for me.“

Healing damaged trust can be a long process. If you’ve been the one to damage trust, even if you disagree about what happened, seek the difficult task of exploring their experiences, building understanding and empathizing to the best of your ability, and expressing a desire to mend rifts to finally move forward.

For resentments that currently exist and interfere with this process, read more in this post on letting go of resentment.

RULE #8

Build On Your Partner’s Strengths

Everyone wants to be seen positively by those they care about, knowing that their best traits are held firmly in the minds of others.

It has been repeatedly shown that the most effective way to motivate new behavior is to positively reinforce or reward the other person when they’re doing what you want them to do (Cameron & Pierce, 1994).

While some situations are more complex and we can’t guarantee behavior change, if you’re forthcoming with well-timed compliments and expressions of gratitude, people will be more likely to change their behavior to get acknowledgment of those positive qualities.

RULE #9

Avoid Avoiding

There are three ways we typically avoid confrontation:

Withdrawing from all communication about the topic with the person
Passive-aggressive comments about the topic
Talking to a third party who’s not directly involved in the topic

While it leads to less tension in the short-term, avoidance creates more problems long-term. Invest the initial discomfort to have a conversation that needs to be had because it builds effective conflict management skills and builds trust that both parties can handle difficult discussions.

RULE #10

Rely on the Healing Aspects of Time

This rule is somewhat misleading in that it’s not the time itself that brings healing, but rather what you do with that time.

Relying on the sheer passage of time can help you better respond to stressors because it allows your body time to filter stress hormones out of your blood stream. At least, this is the case if you don’t keep triggering a stress response with your own thoughts by ruminating on a source of conflict.

Take time to process information, reflect on your priorities and goals, self-soothe, and avoid re-triggering the stress response in your imagination by rehashing the other person’s transgressions.

This is an act of kindness to do what needs to be done to bring your best self back into the relationship with compassion, empathy, and a desire to move forward.

SOURCES

Cameron, J., & Pierce, W. D. (1994). Reinforcement, Reward, and Intrinsic Motivation: A Meta-Analysis. Review of Educational Research, 64(3), 363–423. https://doi.org/10.3102/00346543064003363

Gottman, J.M. (1993a). The roles of conflict engagement, escalation, or avoidance in relationship interaction: A longitudinal view of five types of couples. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 61, 6-15.

Kirschenbaum, Mira. I Love You, But I Don’t Trust You. Berkley, 2012.

Sichel, Mark. Healing from Family Rifts: Ten Steps to Finding Peace after Being Cut off from a Family Member. McGraw-Hill, 2004.

JASON PERUCHINI, LMFT

Jason Peruchini is a licensed psychotherapist and anxiety treatment professional who helps people address issues in mental health to live better lives.