The Good Apology Gone Bad: Understanding Where You Went Wrong

Mar 19

INTRODUCTION

The art of apologizing is a crucial aspect of human interaction that, when performed with sincerity and understanding, has the power to mend wounds and restore trust. A good apology goes beyond mere words; it’s an expression of empathy, a demonstration of responsibility, and a commitment to change. It acknowledges the hurt caused, validates the feelings of the other person, and sets the stage for reconciliation and growth.

Bad apologies, on the other hand, exacerbate the situation and cause further alienation. These often include excuses, defensiveness, or a failure to acknowledge the impact of one's actions. To avoid such pitfalls, the following sections outline the common mistakes that undermine a good apologies and contribute to insincere or ineffective expressions of regret.

KEY TAKEAWAYS

Apologies are not about admitting defeat, but fostering an environment of respect and understanding.
Difficulties giving an appropriate apology can come from messages learned in childhood.
Understanding your own ineffective apologies can free you up for needed changes in your relationships.

GETTING STARTED

The Importance of a Good Apology

At its most basic level, the purpose of a good apology is to calm and soothe the person who was hurt and to repair trust.

This is more difficult than it seems. The following are 7 common ways we can sabotage apologies and ruin their effectiveness. These points have been adapted from the work of psychologist Harriet Lerner in her book, “Why Won’t You Apologize?” and can help significantly improve your ability to mend emotional rifts.

BAD APOLOGY 1

Adding “But…”

When used in an apology, “but” signals defensiveness.

“I’m sorry, but…” provides a cursory acknowledgement of the other person’s feelings and immediately labels it as less important than what you’re going to say next.

Giving the other person some context for your behavior is fine, but that’s a different conversation.

Where a genuine apology is needed, focus first on the emotional impact your behavior had on the other person, even if you didn’t intend it to have that effect.

Don’t negate the other person’s experience just because you didn’t mean for it to happen. Don’t use it as an opportunity to lecture them on how your behavior was somehow justified.

BAD APOLOGY 2

Saying “I’m Sorry You Feel That Way”

A good apology focuses on your behavior, not the other person’s emotional reactions.

Incorrect: “I’m sorry you felt unimportant when I didn’t call.”
Correct: “I’m sorry I didn’t call when I said.”

This can be a tricky distinction to make.

You don’t need to apologize for the other person having difficult feelings. They are entitled to have their emotions regardless of whether you see their validity.

Apologizing for the other person having feelings communicates that they shouldn’t feel the way they do and can imply either a lack of maturity or emotional control on their part.

In some cases this can become abusive, chronically invalidating and blaming the hurt party for having the emotion. Don’t make the initial offense worse by also implying the other person’s emotional reaction to it is wrong.

BAD APOLOGY 3

Saying “I’m Sorry If…”

“If” takes the reality of the hurt person’s experience and turns it into a hypothetical.

Incorrect: “I’m sorry if what I said hurt your feelings.”
Correct: “The comment I made was offensive. I’m sorry I was insensitive.”

Adding “if” subtly questions whether the other person was actually hurt, creating an opening for the offender to let themself off the hook if there’s a possibility that it didn’t actually happen.

I hear this apology often in my practice, and most of the time it comes from a genuine lack of understanding about how the “if” changes the entire message. Nonetheless, it’s important to understand that there’s no real accountability with this apology.

At it's worst, it can devolve further into questioning the hurt person’s experience of their emotions by never truly acknowledging them as real and understandable. This can result in the hurt person questioning their feelings and even thinking that they’re wrong or bad for having such reactions.

BAD APOLOGY 4

Quid Pro Quo Apologies

This is holding your apology for ransom. “I’ll apologize if you apologize.”

Apologies shouldn’t be conditional if they’re genuinely felt. If you’re only offering an apology to appease the other person and are demanding one in return, then you’ve missed the point.

If there’s a genuine apology that needs to be made, don’t make the other person have to bow to you first in order to get it.

If you’ve also been hurt, you may have a separate conversation about it when the other person is in a position to really hear you out and validate your own emotional experience.

BAD APOLOGY 5

“Alright, Alright I’m Sorry! Happy Now?”

This non-apology is throwing the dog a bone – saying what you think the other person wants to hear so they’ll shut up already and get off your case.

If you’ve noticed that the other person has increased the frequency with which they pursue you about your behavior and increased the intensity of their own emotions, it’s a sign that you likely haven’t given them what they really need.

What’s missing and necessary is the patient, interested exploration of where they’re coming from, not just hearing you say the words “I’m sorry.”

This is what helps soothe hurt feelings, knowing that you’ve really heard them.

This is also why forcing children to apologize for something they don’t mean is ineffective and reinforces insincere lip service just to placate another person.

BAD APOLOGY 6

Insisting On Forgiveness

An apology is not an automatic ticket to forgiveness.

Asking for forgiveness can be useful when it communicates a sincere repentance for wrong-doing, but it shouldn’t take precedence over the apology itself.

Saying “please forgive me” too soon can subtly pressure the other person into putting their hurt feelings that still need tending to aside in order to reassure your uncomfortable feelings.

It turns the hurt party into the caretaker and sends the message that “you need to get over it so I can feel better, too.”

Instead of pressuring for forgiveness, try:
“I understand that what I did was serious and you might stay mad for a long time. If there’s anything I can do to make it better, please let me know.”

This will give the other person more space to come to genuine forgiveness without feeling crowded by an anxious pursuit to restore trust and balance. It will also free you from feeling on the hook endlessly waiting for forgiveness that you don’t have direct control over.

BAD APOLOGY 7

Not Communicating the Steps to Rectify the Injury

An apology doesn’t mean much if it’s not backed up by deliberate action to make sure the regrettable incident doesn’t happen again.

That’s like apologizing for stepping on someone’s foot but still continuing to stand on it.

Following through with requests for change, as well as offering your own suggestions of what may help rectify the problem on your part, builds trust in the other person.

It lets them know that you saw the significance of their experience and demonstrates that it’s important to you to create conditions where it won’t happen again.

For serious transgressions, this may take some time. But you will at least know you’re working in the right direction.

Conclusion

Apologies aren’t the only chance you get to address important issues, but are instead a chance to establish the ground for future communication. You create the best possible conditions for these future conversations to be productive and meaningful if you’re not caught in these 7 apology-killing patterns. It takes practice to really work out of these patterns, but it will be worth it for the greater trust and closeness made possible in your relationships.

JASON PERUCHINI, LMFT

Jason Peruchini is a licensed psychotherapist and anxiety treatment professional who helps people address issues in mental health to live better lives.